Dude....Your Dog Smells!

So…I am a HUGE dog lover! Mostly because I refuse to be the crazy single cat lady that has 5 cats and treats them like children. Nothing against those that love cats and may have 5 of them, however, let’s face it, there is a stigma there! Anyhoo…one fine morning about 530 AM, I was out walking my fat Chihuahua (He does not have fat rolls, he has muscle rolls), when I ran into this very tall, blue eyed handsome gentleman who was walking his dog as well. Immediately a conversation ensued about dogs and that they are just like kids, etc. I of course was NOT looking my best. My hair was in a mess of a bun, my make up was running down my face because I was lazy and didn’t want to wash it before I went to bed, I had no bra on and I am pretty sure it was “COLD” outside!

Being in that state of unkeptness, he didn’t seem to mind and still took a liking to me. Over the course of a few weeks, we started walking our dogs around the same time and just “happened” to run into each other. Finally, he asked for my number and I figured it was a safe because I knew where he worked, lived, drove and the breed of dog (all important info to know). After a few calls, text messages and dog walks later, we eventually get to the dinner step. Now granted, he did say that he had a busy schedule and that with his job it was hard to find free time, but he always seemed to have time for his dog, which by the way was extremely old. The day of the scheduled dinner date, it didn’t quite turn out like most of us women envision it going. He called and said that he was running late and had a craving for Chinese and how about I go pick some up and we can eat at my place? I should have known…..

I ordered, picked up and paid for the Chinese food. When he finally came over, he was still in his work clothes, sweaty and brought his dog. Awesome! I had no idea that this was going to be a family affair. We settled in on the couch, ate and chatted back and forth…..to my dismay, something was not smelling oh so pleasant. Was it my food? Sniff, Sniff….No. Was it me? Arms up. Sniff, Sniff….No. Did my dog just crop dust us? Sniff, Sniff….No. What in the hell is it? Please don’t let it be him!! Big whiff…..No.

To my amazement, he did not smell anything. Seriously? You can’t smell that. Weird! After dinner, he left and we said goodbye and he proceeded to carry his dog downstairs. Did I mention the dog was old? After I locked up and cleaned up, I smelled it again. Alright, this is pissing me off! What is that? I walked around and as soon as I gagged, I knew that I found the smell. It was where his dog was laying on the floor. His smell had seeped into my newly cleaned carpets. There wasn’t enough Febreeze, Lysol, Glade, carpet cleaner, Arm and Hammer or acid to take that stench away. How can he not smell that coming from his dog? And how did he live with that? What did his place look and smell like? Gross!

A few days later, we texted a few more times but I re-structured my dog routine so I didn’t see him out there. He finally just asked and said “So, should I continue to pursue or drop it?” I said very nicely to “just drop it and thought that he was nice and all but Dude, your dog smells!” A month later he moved into the same building….creepy! Then whenever I walked my dog, he would watch me from his porch….stalker! A year goes by and I see him at a hotel in ANOTHER STATE! I had my back turned and I smell something….a familiar smell. I turn around and he says, “I thought I recognized you from behind….” Psycho!

With Love and Pleasant Body Odor,

Sheri

Prom bomb

Circa 1968, courtesy of my mommy....

Bad dates are not a new thing...they've been around for a while.

Having gone to prom with my first "real boyfriend" (now ex-boyfriend) a year earlier I had high expectations for my junior prom. The first go round we drank pink champagne, danced our asses off and stayed out till all hours of the morning. So this year had to be even better, right?

My friends set me up with  a boy named Scott C. to go to the prom junior year of high school. Good looking, nice boy, what could go wrong? Before I accepted, my BFF Pat, asked me to say no so we could go out, use our fake ID's and go to the bars to celebrate. Because that would have been WAY more fun than a blind prom date. But optimistic me said "no" to Pat and yes to the blind prom date (could there be anything worse?)

Bonus points for me because it was my 17th birthday right?

The guy thought his shit didn't stink, posed all night and all my friends ditched me because they didn't like the guy (still trying to figure out why they set me up with him). I powered through, counting the minutes until the end and prayed to the Holy Virgin Mary to get my ass out of there ASAP.

Way back when, we used to wear garters to prom under our dresses (like a bride, right?) and give them to the boy at the end of the night. On this particular night I gave my garter to Scott C at the end of the night and he looked at it and said "So I should add this to my collection, huh?".

OK Mr. Bitchin'.....get over your bad self and take me home. Now.

So I can go drink at the bars with Pat and celebrate my 17th birthday for real.

Mama Lynn

*This is Jeni speaking now......All I can say is thank you for waiting it out mom. Thank you very much. ;)

"Cash and Prizes"

This real life story was shared with me by my friend Jackie!

I too have tried Internet dating! Honestly, I was really just trying to meet people because I had just moved to downtown Los Angeles. Being from San Diego, I really wanted to meet new people and let’s be real here….possibly a hot rich boyfriend! So, I go online to the (as I found out later) LEAST reputable dating sites there are. Trolling through the men I find what “looks” like the most normal guy.

He's wearing a suit, without the jacket, and smiling back at me with gorgeous eyes, perfect teeth and that oh so attractive California tan. So I contact him and we flirt back and forth, exchanging stories, likes, dislikes, etc. He works in advertising for a very large record label. SCORE! So we decide to meet. He takes me to a really cute cafe, and then I take him to my favorite music lounge. I feel like the chemistry between us is undeniable and this guy could possibly be boyfriend maybe future husband material.

He invites me to his condo. He lived in the hills of Hollywood, in a gorgeous open floor planned condo, overlooking Los Angeles. As young girls normally do, I start picturing a future there, watching movies on his sprawly couch next to his giant fireplace, cooking him meals in his humongous kitchen any chef would be proud of, saying my first name with his last name and picturing where we may possibly have a wedding reception. As I am standing there looking out onto the Los Angeles lights he says, "Hey! Check this out!" I turn around and too my utter horror and embarrassment he is standing there, still fully clothed except for his “CASH AND PRIZES!” Which he is pointing at me. Then he runs at me with it like a 5 year old. He chases me around for about 3 seconds before I can get to the door. Did he really think that would work?! More importantly, had that worked for him before?!?!

He called me a couple days later as if nothing at all had happened and asked me out again.

Gee...No Thanks!

Thank you for your contribution Jackie! I believe you my friend are scarred for life...

With love,

Sheri

Add to Cart

I am totally blaming my sister on this one. Sorry sis! But she is the one that started my whole internet dating debacle! She really had no idea what I was about to get into….Bless Her Heart! (That’s what we say down here in the south). VERY soon after my divorce, she signed me up for my first internet dating website without my knowledge, but I love her for it! Now, this was so new to me, I wasn’t sure what to expect, who to expect and what I was to do about it. I mean, it’s like on-line shopping for MEN! Genius! Whoever thought of this was my hero. I don’t have to go anywhere at all. I can just sit in my living room with my comfy Scooby Doo pajamas, no make-up, no deodorant and maybe not even have brushed my teeth yet! So, there I am…..coffee in hand, mouse in the other, a fat Chihuahua on my lap and Man Shopping I will go! I was so excited, ecstatic and a bit nervous to be quite honest with you, but I figure this was by far the “safest” way to find your next future mate. After browsing the site, you know, looking at various images, reading profiles, thinking out loud things that I knew were not appropriate….like “Ohhh….What are you thinking with that hair?” “Ummm….shave much?” “OMG….you have got to be kidding, that is a terrible picture.” And my very favorite….”What’s up with the picture of your cat as a default photo…please don’t let his name be Sylvester.” Again, I must mention that I was new to this whole idea so I really wasn’t sure what to do when I found someone that I was interested in. I was still trying to figure out how to navigate the site let alone how to contact someone. I mean, do I add them to my cart? Upon checkout do I have a return policy?
Enter Gavin. Gavin was my first internet date. His name was awesome and by all accounts in his pictures he looked H-O-T! Seriously, I was totally taken back at the picture. So, after reading his profile I immediately sent the “ice breaker.” Emails were exchanged and laughs were shared. He is such a nice guy! Now it was time to meet in person. Well, I am certainly not going to have him pick me up, for all I know he could be a psycho! So we meet in a public location where I feel safe and he won’t know which direction I am coming from. My “street smarts” kicked in. I walked in to the local coffee shop and all I remember was that I was so nervous! This guy is HOT, funny and this is going to be so much fun! Our eyes meet….Oh boy, I didn’t have a back-up, call me or text me to get out of this date plan. Crap! I put on that gritted teeth smile and was rapidly thinking that this is going to be a long night. Should I fake some digestive issues, should I start fake yawning to show how I tired I was, should I just go to the magazine display and give myself a paper cut with a magazine on my wrists??!! Gavin was about 4’ 11”, (I am 5’5” and will at ALL times be in 4” heels!), missing various teeth, had dirty clothes on and his finger nails were so full of dirt that I am pretty sure I could have made a mud pie with all that was under them. He also told me that he drove a big truck with big tires and that it was bright PURPLE! I saw it out in the parking lot when I had parked and thought about the poor soul’s wife, girlfriend or significant other that had to be the passenger in that thing.


He was a big fat liar! Liar Liar with your dirty clothes on fire!

With all my inner strength I wanted to scream at him that his picture nor his personality matched what he was or did in person. But, being the classy lady that I am, I subdued my “Ewwwwness” and rolled with the punches. I mean, he may very well be a nice guy and I have to give him a chance….right? All is fair in internet dating! No chance of that happening.


When I got home, I went back to that internet site that I found him on and looked for the “Hell to the NO” cart!

With Love and Clean Clothes,
Sheri

Why internet dating is better than picking a guy up in a bar

The argument has always been.....Internet dating is so much better than meeting a guy in a bar. I mean, in a bar you are drinking, so not only is your judgement impaired in terms of why he is so awesome, but beer/wine/tequila goggles also come in to play and all of a sudden this

Looks like this

I'm pretty sure we've all been there and just shook our heads on the next date thinking "Holy mother of God, I'm never drinking again".

But I digress and am going to (I swear) come to my point about why Internet dating is better than picking a guy up in a bar.

I am horrible with names. Like seriously bad. I have tried repeating them in my head a few times after the initial introduction or saying them out loud, but for some reason I have a little shredder somewhere in my brain that automatically removes names from memory within minutes or even seconds of you giving it to me unless I see it written down somewhere.

Internet dating or communicating via text/email gives me the opportunity to LOOK at the name multiple times and give me an association so that I really can remember the person and the name as opposed to just the person. I truly envy one of my co-workers who can pull a name out of her mental Rolodex after 2 years and one meeting with someone.

Add in my adult onset ADD (self diagnosed of course) and mix with alcohol and you have the perfect recipe for a morning after story that still makes me crack myself up.

Night out with the bestie to watch Raging Arb & the Redheads at Chuy's in Ventura and we were having more fun than most people should be allowed. We met a bunch of adorable guys (for realsies, no beer goggles) who danced with us, talked with us all night and of course kept a beer in our hands all night long. So when one of them suggested we exchange numbers for a future encounter I was totally up for it and programmed his number in to my sweet little Samsung flip phone.

So the next morning while chugging coffee and chatting with Clover to make sure we didn't forget anything at all about our super fun night out, I saw that I had a missed call and message from....

First off, I am just going to point out how awesome it is that I knew he was a guy. And that I remembered where I was when I met him. Beyond that, I recognize the fact that I was in fact a totally drunk bar ho that night. I can only say that after going out with him twice, I still can't remember his damn name. So there. I still think I win.

 

Yours in blissful ignorance,
Jeni

Courage Cosmic Way

It should have been my first clue. But hey, I was brand new to this phenomenon called Internet dating way back in the year 2000 and was logged on to the website that everyone assured me was the best way to meet the man of your dreams. How was I to know that this would be the first in a series of knee slapping, gut busting, crying my makeup off, funny ass stories that I was going to bring home to share with my loved ones about my jacked up dating life.

I don't really recall my first few interactions, only that I was pretty cautious. Because, hey....there could be some psycho stalker out there just waiting to rape/murder/abduct me, right? So after multiple emails back and forth and eventually a tentative phone call, we decided to meet in person.

We met at Joanafina's down in Pierpont for a quick bite in the afternoon, it seemed safe enough and I felt like it gave me the option to extend for a stroll down the beach (hand in hand of course) if things went well and we "clicked" as I had so desperately hoped.

He was a construction worker, lived in Santa Barbara, had a huge loving family that he was super close to and he loved to travel. Plus he had that gorgeous sun drenched skin and highlighted hair of someone who spent their time outside...paired with seriously awesome blue eyes. What was not to like, right???

Let's translate for a minute, kay?

• Construction worker = I helped build the shack I live in with my brother
• In the hills of Santa Barbara = Was squatting on land that didn't belong to him
• Huge loving family = Was raised on a boat with 9 siblings who were taught by mom by "reading lots of books and surrounding themselves with smart people" because they didn't "believe" in school
• Love to travel = Enter the boat on which he was raised and didn't leave until he was 25

Misrepresent much????

I eventually had to excuse myself to the restroom to use my newfangled Nokia cell phone to call my friends daughter so she could call ME in 5 to fabricate an emergency pick up. What did one do before cell phones anyway???? Chew your arm off like a coyote?

And oh yeah....Courage Cosmic Way???

That was his name. I shoulda freaking known. Exit stage left my friends.

Much love from the dating cesspool

Jeni

How I Began my Swim in the "Dating" Pool

I am a 35 year old divorcee....surprising considering that I had this grand idea of what I thought my marriage was. But then one day while laying in bed with my now ex-husband, I received a phone call that changed my whole idea on what I wanted out of life and in a relationship. The conversation started with a woman telling me that "Being a fellow woman, we need to stick together and look out for one another. I just want you to know that your husband is cheating on you with another woman." My first thought was, thank goodness it was with another "woman" and not a "man" because that would be the end of it right there! She continues with "...and she has been in your house." I asked her various questions about this accusation and of course she answered them all correctly. To end the conversation, I said "Thank you, have a good day." WTF? "Thank You??!!" What in the world was I thinking. I was not all there and still trying to figure out where it all went wrong. But, in the end I had my dignity and manners of course with "Thank You, have a good day." (Thank you for telling me that you are sleeping with my husband and have been in my house). After the ever so awesome confrontation, I ended up in the corner of my bathroom sitting next to the toilet and shower and I was naked, thankfully though I had just mopped the floor otherwise I would have totally been grossed out. While sitting on the floor, I was wondering what I was going to do. My very first thought was that now I am going to be one of those people that "date". Who are these people? I have no idea what these people do. I was married for 13 years so this whole dating thing was going to be a new adventure for me. An "adventure" is an understaement. So now here I am, sharing with you all these great "adventures" that I have been on. I take solice in knowing that I am not alone in these "adventures". That there are others out there that have been on a date that ended up with no shoes, no shirts and ultimately no date!

Always Bitter with Love,
Sheri

Who knew?

Who would have guessed that we would ever hit our mid thirties and still be single and childless? Definitely not Jeni & Sheri. Way back in the day when we met in high school, we both had a constant stream of boyfriends and images of our future with one of them or another, add in the picket fence and a munchkin or two and the dream was complete.

One husband and multiple boyfriends later we both find ourselves stuck flat in the middle of the so called dating pool....which leads us to the introduction of this blog.

We are gonna share some stories with you....some are old, some are new, but all of them have a common thread in that they made us (and our friends) laugh hysterically and often send us bolting for the door.

If you have a story to share and want to post it on the blog please feel free to email us. Misery and hysteria love company.