Truth in advertising

I am a realist.....I know I am far from perfect in a lot of ways. My curves have gotten more abundant as I've aged, I occasionally get acne, I snort when I laugh too hard, I have a tendency to interrupt people when I get excited about something and I snore after drinking too much wine. But I am honest in my faults and tend to look at them more like special quirks that make me who I am.

After a few interactions with guys I met online that didn't quite measure up I actually had my best male friend (and former boyfriend from a zillion years ago) look at my dating profile and asked him "Is this a good representation of who I am?". He knows me inside and out so when his reply was a solid yes...I felt pretty good because I do NOT want to be one of those people who show up for a "blind" date and have the other party reeling because what was delivered was not at all what was advertised. I get annoyed because not only is this dating crap hard, why would you making it harder by saying or showing that you are something that you are most obviously not. If I have to find a guy online, why not give him exactly what he is gonna get? So my profile pictures show me as is....full figured in a bathing suit (tasteful, mind you)....smiling and sticking my tongue out, hamming it up after too many beers....with makeup and without...fishing, camping and playing....you know??

So unlike the Forrest Gump "box o' chocolates" ism.....You actually do know what you are gonna get.

In one such situation I had corresponded with a very nice guy from a dating website and after finding out that we had a few things in common like a love of reading and for driving up the coast for the day just to get away we decided to meet for coffee at the local Coffee Bean.

I drove up and got out of my car and he was waiting for me on the patio, with a coffee and a copy of Dante's Inferno on the table. And low and behold he actually looked like his picture! Dark hair, blue eyes, about 5'10" with an average body and a solid handshake. He apologized for not ordering me a coffee as he didn't know what I wanted and offered to buy me my choice of beverage. Nice start!

We grabbed a tea for me and we sat down and started chatting and after a few minutes I started to notice some things that were missing as he spoke. They were small things, not super noticeable at first. But as he got more animated and comfortable it was more obvious that he was missing at least 3 teeth on the top of his grill. And as I tried to get a better look while not being obvious about it I realized the rest of his grill was in piss poor shape.

I know that not everyone is blessed with good tooth genes, nor can everyone afford to have pearly white veneers or implants. But for crying out loud....WHY in gods name would you think that this an OK to hide or breeze over when you are advertising yourself????

As soon as I reached the count of 4 teeth I decided to cut my losses and get the hell out of Dodge before he thought that there was any chance in hell that he was getting his mouth near my mouth. Because really??? No way!!! As he walked me to his car he pointed out rather excitedly that we both drove Honda's and wasn't that a coincidence?!?!? Being that his was a 1985 Honda CRV with a black bra (yes, a bra-I didn't know they still made those!) on the front I was pretty happy about the tooth thing because if it was up to me I would have rejected him for the car and bra alone and that might have made me a materialistic be-yotch instead of just someone who values good dental hygiene in her future mate.

Yours in blessedly good hygiene,
Jen

Really? I hadn't noticed.

On my seemingly never ending search for the man o' my dreams I continue to use the Internet to try and find him. Some days there is no communication, some days I might get as many as three different "hellos" from different men looking to find the woman of their dreams. I am always very good about responding as I find it rude not to do so even if it is to say, thanks but no thanks. (In the nicest way possible of course).

Yesterday I got one and I am really really unsure of how to respond. So I am looking for a little help. Maybe you can assist when you have time.

Maybe this isn't as safe as meeting a drunk guy in a bar, but I could be wrong.

Courage Cosmic Way

It should have been my first clue. But hey, I was brand new to this phenomenon called Internet dating way back in the year 2000 and was logged on to the website that everyone assured me was the best way to meet the man of your dreams. How was I to know that this would be the first in a series of knee slapping, gut busting, crying my makeup off, funny ass stories that I was going to bring home to share with my loved ones about my jacked up dating life.

I don't really recall my first few interactions, only that I was pretty cautious. Because, hey....there could be some psycho stalker out there just waiting to rape/murder/abduct me, right? So after multiple emails back and forth and eventually a tentative phone call, we decided to meet in person.

We met at Joanafina's down in Pierpont for a quick bite in the afternoon, it seemed safe enough and I felt like it gave me the option to extend for a stroll down the beach (hand in hand of course) if things went well and we "clicked" as I had so desperately hoped.

He was a construction worker, lived in Santa Barbara, had a huge loving family that he was super close to and he loved to travel. Plus he had that gorgeous sun drenched skin and highlighted hair of someone who spent their time outside...paired with seriously awesome blue eyes. What was not to like, right???

Let's translate for a minute, kay?

• Construction worker = I helped build the shack I live in with my brother
• In the hills of Santa Barbara = Was squatting on land that didn't belong to him
• Huge loving family = Was raised on a boat with 9 siblings who were taught by mom by "reading lots of books and surrounding themselves with smart people" because they didn't "believe" in school
• Love to travel = Enter the boat on which he was raised and didn't leave until he was 25

Misrepresent much????

I eventually had to excuse myself to the restroom to use my newfangled Nokia cell phone to call my friends daughter so she could call ME in 5 to fabricate an emergency pick up. What did one do before cell phones anyway???? Chew your arm off like a coyote?

And oh yeah....Courage Cosmic Way???

That was his name. I shoulda freaking known. Exit stage left my friends.

Much love from the dating cesspool

Jeni