The below real life date is a contribution by my friend Jackie! I am not sure, but I am pretty positive that this guy sounds like he is pretty classy......if by classy you mean a jerkoffasauresrex, then yes! I will expand later on what a jerkoffasauresrex is exactly.
So here I am a young girl all of 20 years old, living in my very first apartment on Hollywood Blvd, working for a very prominent music production company. I was hob nobbing with some of the biggest names in music and hoping that I could win myself a single, good looking music producer with my charm and good looks. One of my co-workers who was coincidentally my roommate decided to play matchmaker and set me up with a guy who she assured me was my type. My type as in, “you have tattoos and so does he,” apparently. Completely assured by her description of him, tattoos, nice car, music producer, never married, totally sweet, I agree to meet him. The next day he calls me and says, “One of the bands I am working on is playing at the club on Sunset, do you want to meet me there?” Now, up until this point my dating experience was restricted to high school long term boyfriends so needless to say I had no experience in the dating world. I didn’t know that meeting a guy at a club while a rock band was playing would not be conducive to actually talking and getting to know this person. But, of course I agree. I pulled up to the club 5 minutes early and walked up to the door where a silver back gorilla was guarding the doorway, arms crossed, “You on the list?” Huh? What list? “That’s a no, cover is $25” I'm sorry what?? Now I guess I should mention I'm in my cutest date outfit which included a skirt and sky high heels and its fall in Los Angeles, which means its about 50 degrees outside. I have no money to pay this guy and I am freezing. So I call my blind date who assures me he is 2 minutes away. 30 embarrassingly long minutes later he rolls up in his Chrystler PT CRUISER!!! That’s strike 2 buddy! First you’re a half hour late, second that is NOT a nice car! Then he steps out of the car. Now, I'm not sure if you have seen a PT Cruiser up close but they aren’t tall cars, and when he gets out his head barely comes up past the top of it! He is TINY. Yes, he has tattoos, and I'm not sure if he is nice yet but he is MINIATURE compared to me in my sky high heels. As he got closer I could see his face in the light. Bulging eyes, crooked and yellowing teeth and slicked back hair to cover the bald spot. He looked to be about 45 even though I was assured he was 28! Awesome, an ugly 45 yr old who drives a purple PT Cruiser. YES PURPLE!!!
Turns out, he was on the list and we are allowed behind that ever so mysterious velvet rope into the dankest club I have ever been in in my entire life. There is a band on the stage with a lead singer that is screaming into the microphone, groupies lining every inch of the floor and absolutely no seating accept at the bar which is currently packed with drunkards from end to end. So awesome. As we walk through the crowd he grabs my hand so I don’t get lost in the craziness. A sweet gesture but EXTREMELY embarrassing as people look over and see a mother being drug through the crowd by what looks like her 8 year old. At this point I know I am done with this guy. As we walk past the bar I notice he is going for a door with another burly and intimidating bouncer in front of it. Sweet! At least I get some VIP room out of this whole circus. We sit down and I say to myself, “Be nice, have a drink, then claim sleepiness.” So we order our drinks and start chatting. As we are talking I realize that he is not, at all, looking into my eyes. He is looking straight into my chest. Being straight forward I point out the location of my eyes to which he replies,” I'm sorry but you have the sweetest rack I have seen in a while and I'm getting a huge boner.” which he points out by tracing the shape of it on his leg. I swear to you it looked like he had stuffed eight gym socks in there! Sliding away from him and shouting “Oh My God!" he then proceeds to tell me how "real" what he just showed me was. STRIKES 3, 4, 5 and 6!!! I immediately ran as fast as I could out of that club. One, I don’t care how “real" it is and two, I have already been eye raped by you enough for one night, tiny little man!
Needless to say, I cried myself to sleep that night.
Thanks Jackie for your story! I am sad that you had to experience this yet so very happy that you did so we could hear about it!
With Love,
Sheri
No comments:
Post a Comment