I don't think a Kleenex would help this one.....

Hi all!

Below is a guest blog from my friend Heidi who told me this story while we were in the airport drinking a cocktail before a flight to Reno this last July. Heidi is married to an awesome guy, has 3 amazing kids and hasn't dated for a couple dozen years at this point. She told me that she actually couldn't talk about this event for over 20 years because she was so horrified. She's a damn good storyteller and by the time she got to the punch line I almost fell off my bar stool laughing...I hope you enjoy as well!

Jen

I was the fragile age of 17. Senior in high school and full of excitement and anxiety. There was a boy a year or so older than me that I really was infatuated with. I had given the message, through friends, that I was interested in him and patiently waited for him to ask me out. When weeks went by and no invitation I figured he needed to know me better and I was going to take matters into my own hands.

My friends parents were going out of town and we figured if we threw a party he was sure to be there. Party plans were under way and the excitement was building. I knew this was my big night! I had figured out exactly what to wear, lied to my parents (sorry mom) and was ready to meet my new man. A day before the party day I woke up with the cold of a lifetime. I could not breathe and my head was full of gallons of mucus...

There was no way I was missing the party and spending the evening with the object of my affection. I rested up and got ready for the evening with great anticipation. We set up the house for the party and we were underway! An hour or so into the party he arrives with a few equally studly friends. Soon myself, a girlfriend, he and another boy were all standing in a circle talking. Here was my BIG chance for him to get to know me! We visited and giggled for a bit and then I felt a sneeze coming on......I put my hands together in the mannerly triangle and Kerchew! It was a major sneeze. As I looked up to meekly utter a shy "excuse me" I felt something wet on my face. I quickly realized I had an eighteen inch snot rocket hanging from my nose! What do you do with that? Seriously, I had no Kleenex in hand and what do you do next?

I exited the area and ran to the bathroom to get rid of my temporary appendage. Needless to say, I never went back into the party area and quickly made my way home.

I was so relieved to meet the love of my life a few years later and realize that that boy was not really worth it after all....

Truth in advertising

I am a realist.....I know I am far from perfect in a lot of ways. My curves have gotten more abundant as I've aged, I occasionally get acne, I snort when I laugh too hard, I have a tendency to interrupt people when I get excited about something and I snore after drinking too much wine. But I am honest in my faults and tend to look at them more like special quirks that make me who I am.

After a few interactions with guys I met online that didn't quite measure up I actually had my best male friend (and former boyfriend from a zillion years ago) look at my dating profile and asked him "Is this a good representation of who I am?". He knows me inside and out so when his reply was a solid yes...I felt pretty good because I do NOT want to be one of those people who show up for a "blind" date and have the other party reeling because what was delivered was not at all what was advertised. I get annoyed because not only is this dating crap hard, why would you making it harder by saying or showing that you are something that you are most obviously not. If I have to find a guy online, why not give him exactly what he is gonna get? So my profile pictures show me as is....full figured in a bathing suit (tasteful, mind you)....smiling and sticking my tongue out, hamming it up after too many beers....with makeup and without...fishing, camping and playing....you know??

So unlike the Forrest Gump "box o' chocolates" ism.....You actually do know what you are gonna get.

In one such situation I had corresponded with a very nice guy from a dating website and after finding out that we had a few things in common like a love of reading and for driving up the coast for the day just to get away we decided to meet for coffee at the local Coffee Bean.

I drove up and got out of my car and he was waiting for me on the patio, with a coffee and a copy of Dante's Inferno on the table. And low and behold he actually looked like his picture! Dark hair, blue eyes, about 5'10" with an average body and a solid handshake. He apologized for not ordering me a coffee as he didn't know what I wanted and offered to buy me my choice of beverage. Nice start!

We grabbed a tea for me and we sat down and started chatting and after a few minutes I started to notice some things that were missing as he spoke. They were small things, not super noticeable at first. But as he got more animated and comfortable it was more obvious that he was missing at least 3 teeth on the top of his grill. And as I tried to get a better look while not being obvious about it I realized the rest of his grill was in piss poor shape.

I know that not everyone is blessed with good tooth genes, nor can everyone afford to have pearly white veneers or implants. But for crying out loud....WHY in gods name would you think that this an OK to hide or breeze over when you are advertising yourself????

As soon as I reached the count of 4 teeth I decided to cut my losses and get the hell out of Dodge before he thought that there was any chance in hell that he was getting his mouth near my mouth. Because really??? No way!!! As he walked me to his car he pointed out rather excitedly that we both drove Honda's and wasn't that a coincidence?!?!? Being that his was a 1985 Honda CRV with a black bra (yes, a bra-I didn't know they still made those!) on the front I was pretty happy about the tooth thing because if it was up to me I would have rejected him for the car and bra alone and that might have made me a materialistic be-yotch instead of just someone who values good dental hygiene in her future mate.

Yours in blessedly good hygiene,
Jen

Business Card Man

Hmmm.....where do I begin with this fella? Well, picture it...a sunny day in San Antonio. I am as usual enjoying the splendor of the sun and getting my bronze on. You know, my golden highlights on my sun drenched skin? Yea well as I am laying by the pool and discussing with the girls all of the days events and blunders, what are we eating for dinner, what am I going to wear, the usual topics of conversation, in walks in a very handsome man whom I had already checked out in the lobby of the hotel in which we are staying. (Just because a girl travels doesn't mean she cant date on the road!) This man was beautiful to say the least. Well as "beautiful" as any man could get. You know the type right? Muscular, tan, tattoos all over, blond hair, blue eyes, tall, etc., etc. and blah, blah. blah. Now when I had first noticed muscle man, I was quite enamored with his looks to be quite honest with you. I saw him in the lobby and made "eye contact" with a smile that showed I was interested but not wanting to be too pushy either. Granted if he wasn't trying to check in and get himself settled, I would have just walked right up to him and start a conversation, because that is just how I roll.

Now over the course of a few days, I saw muscle man in passing and said my hellos, how are you doing today sort of things to get the conversation ball rolling. But, he never bit it so, I just dropped it. But as I am laying by the pool, he walks in and I had to strike at that moment. It was now or never. I walked past muscle man and just started a conversation. He asked me to sit and we talked for a very long time. Now keep in mind the whole time I am talking, all the girls are sitting behind me and I can feel all the eyeballs on me. The conversation was great! Had stuff in common, liked beer, all the important things. As the night set in, it was time to get going and get ready for dinner. But, he asked me if I had any plans for the next evening and would I want to hang out. He wanted to go to a local dance hall that had a mechanical bull...he had me at mechanical bull. Well, how am I to get in touch with him you ask? Well, I could just call the room, but that is just silly and down right dangerous...stranger danger! Hey, I have an idea!! He says, how about I just leave my business card at the front desk and you can come back down later to get it and then we can chat? Light bulb of an idea! Ingenious I tell ya!

Later that night, all us girls are taking over the lounge area in the lobby like we normally do because lets face it, we are kind of a big deal (Not really, but a girl can dream) and as we are still discussing Lord knows what, guess who happens to be coming down to hand over his business card to the front counter? Yep! Muscle man! The thing that I had noticed however was that he had a stack of business cards in his hands. But I didn't think twice about it because hey, he was beautiful! So, of course I walk up and he passes his business card to me like its a pseudo drug deal thing going on. We chat a bit more and immediately head back to the girls to facebook stalk him. Hey, you know you have all done it! At least I admit it! All looks normal, typical pictures with scantily clothed girls in bikinis. Nothing out of the norm.

As the evening arrives for me to "hang out" with muscle man, I am not sure why, but I am not feeling it. I am not feeling the excitement of the company. But as a nice person and one who always tries to follow through, I had to. Who knows, maybe this may end up being a great evening if nothing else but fun! So, after I get back from dinner with the girls he is waiting for me in the lobby and dressed to the nines in cowboy attire. I was totally not expecting that AT ALL. I mean a bolero dude? Really? Whatever. Lets roll! So off in a taxi we go to the dance hall. Its college night at the dance hall. Oh joy! Tiny people dressed in daisy dukes and cowboy boots with big buckles, drinking PBR and twirling their hair. (I twirl my hair but not dressed like that, so its totally cool). Before I head over to the bar to gather my own adult beverage, I first must head back to where I left my shoe on the floor. It was so sticky there from all the spilled beer, vomit and I don't even want to know what else that my feet were sticking to the floor. I had to make a conscience effort to pick up my feet. Yucko! Shoe was back on and I had nice cold one in hand.

Conversation started out great then ended up as follows: "So, you said really liked living in Washington huh?" Yep. Its cool. "Well that's great! Whats your favorite part? The outdoor stuff or weather?" I guess I like both. "Oh okay, well any big plans coming up that you are looking forward to doing there?" Nope. Not really. "Okay then." Hey do you want to dance? "Yes!" (That way I don't have to talk to you anymore and try to pull any hint of interest out of you) (I am also thinking, what time is it, time to leave yet?) A few dances later and a couple of trying to show off that he can dance with a bolero on twirls, I mention that I have an early day tomorrow. Hint taken and we depart without ever getting on the bull. Sadly. I am pretty sure I would have had a much more interesting conversation with the bulls ass than I had with this guy. He was pretty to look at but ugly to try and converse with. On the taxi ride back, which by the way he had already gotten into before I had even returned from the bathroom. He called me as he was in the taxi and said, hey look to the right, I am in a gold van. Oh, okay....thanks ass! For a brief second, I was pretty sure that he had ditched me and I was already thinking about my revenge. Maybe a few business cards to be copied and handed out to various girls looking for a good time. Maybe....

Alas, finally back at the hotel and we part ways. Thankfully! The next day a friend of ours in the same group comes up to us and explains that this nice guy was just talking to her and said that he would love to hang out with her sometime. She couldn't so she told him that she knew of some other ladies that may be up to hanging out. I had to ask....what was his name? She said, oh well, I have his business card here. Imagine that...it matched the same one I had!

Oh muscle man, you have been downgraded to business card man and while you may think your plan of handing out your business cards to women is a perfectly sane and appropriate way to meet women, I must tell you that women talk and we talk about men. Especially men in the same hotel amongst the same group of women. I mean, how tight was that bolero anyway?

I only saw business card man once more in the lobby that week. Not sure if it was the I have eye balls on you gesture I gave him OR it could have been that the very business card he gave me was left in the lobby at the front desk for him to pick up. (I kept that little piece of info to myself...until now of course).

With love and big buckles,

Sheri